Desiderium a short film about love, loss and recovery. The film is from the point of view of the main character Charlotte who records a time capsule reliving the ups and downs of her and Jack’s relationship after suddenly Jack takes his own life. It is a subtle take on mens mental health and the signs we do or don’t see.
“Desiderium” means the loss or grief you feel for something lost.
Jack.
It’s me…
I’m doing this to…for closure, mainly.
And to tell the world and you just how much I loved you.
‘Cause, I don’t think I said it enough.
When I first met you I had these butterflies.
Butterflies that I’d never experienced before.
You thought it was cute, I thought I looked so stupid.
Our first date was perfect.
A diner in East Village, eating pizza and talking for hours.
You…you were a breath of fresh air.
Those simple dates soon became something more.
And soon, we were officially inseparable.
I even remember when you said the big three words.
They just fell effortlessly out of your mouth.
And I loved you too.
Those days, weeks, months, years I spent with you brought out the best in me.
A part of me I didn’t know existed without you.
But then came the fights.
Those long, useless fights, which challenged us both.
That tested us when we didn’t need to be tested, we were fine.
I can even recall those wonderful talks about future.
And marriage, and what dog we’d have when we had enough money.
Those talks reassured me that this is what we wanted.
And then I became more curious about you,
you became more distant and more angry.
The more angry you got the more you would withdraw from me.
You started acting like someone else.
You would leave me waiting up for you and then you would come home drunk.
Your apologies soon became insincere, our fallouts now more common,
and I was beginning to feel more helpless.
I started to wonder more and more what those pure, innocent eyes were thinking.
Little did I know they were dark thoughts.
Your demons were feeding you, and you were choosing to feed them back.
And you didn’t let me in.
I wanted you to let me in, and you didn’t.
Why did you let them win?
They say love comes to those who hope after disappointment.
You left me empty.
I can’t remember the last time I put my head on the pillow and not wept.
I feel you, wrapping me up in your arms.
No one compares to you.
All I think about, all I see, all I taste, all I hear, is you.
You used to say, our love was the kind of love made for movie screens.
I was waiting for adventure,
and you kind of took away my adventure.
You took away everything and left me wondering what I did wrong.
You wouldn’t have looked weak, if you told people how you felt.
What was really going on inside your head.
It’s better to speak up about it than to stay silent.
And I’m not mad at you,
I’m mad that I couldn’t save you.
You were mine, I was yours, and it was us.
I know I will find the light again.
even if it takes years.
Life is meant to be lived, and I intend on living for the both of us.
So, goodbye to the boy who has my heart and always will.
Goodbye, Jack.
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