FADE IN: Girl is sitting in a dark studio
NARRATED – WOMAN
People want to know what it’s like living with borderline personality disorder. It feels like you aren’t living at all, or you’re possibly too alive. You’re a person that feels the highest of high and lowest low. You’re easily triggered by small things, the way a person looks at their watch while talking to you makes you feel unheard.
Someone telling you to think positive or change makes you feel unseen. People telling you that suicide is for cowards makes you feel misunderstood.
You find yourself living somewhat normal, and even happy one day.
Then something triggers you and you quickly abandon everything and anything you’re close to.
Relationships are the hardest – you find yourself constantly pushing the people you love the most away while the voices in your head are screaming ‘stop’.
But you can’t. And you slowly begin to destroy the relationships you care about the most. At times you find yourself to be a burden, impossible for anyone to ever love.
At times you shine so bright and feel loved. But it can easily turn to dark when you’re triggered by some small, hurtful comment. Anger pulses through your body and you struggle to control the darkness upon yourself.
In order to control the pain you can inflict harm on your body, telling yourself you deserve it. Or to prove you’re alive. There’s a constant thought of not wanting to live that you carry. At times it feels like a warm blanket. Other times you feel trapped in a nightmare.
Trusting people is difficult. There’s a fear that they can see the real you, the dark you that you believe is unlovable.
Most of the time you may struggle to know who you really are. It’s difficult to express how you really feel and you end up appearing like a tornado, destroying relationships and opportunities.
It can feel like the world’s against you, that things are happening to you. Once the tornado has begun, you’re hard to reach.
You are a warrior in a dark forest with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is. So, you never feel safe.
Once the darkness becomes strong you being to implode. Destroying yourself and any trace of you. Then you have two choices – you can reach out for help or you may attempt a suicide.
But as a borderline, you are resilient and you try again. You suffer so deeply so much of the time, you push on searching for hope, love and compassion.
I. Am. Borderline.
Discuss