Visualizing Lies is a visual poem attacking the difficult topics of depression, anxiety, and overall mental health. The filmmaker’s goals were to help break mental health stigma within their community and shine a light on the experience beneath a ‘high functioning’ exterior.
Content heads up: depiction of depression and anxiety
Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
One where anxiety and depression don’t eat me up inside.
Terrified of heights
and dog bites
but I’ll walk out into the dead of night
because
unfortunately being surrounded by darkness feels……..just…right.
People say hi
and I smile and wave
because the funny thing about my sadness
is that it’s very well-behaved.
My depression is kind enough
to keep me “high functioning”,
I’m sure it knows I hate outwardly struggling.
So I paste on fake smiles,
and hand out high-fives,
and when anyone asks,
my answer is always, “I’m fine”.
Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
One where fear and insecurity don’t eat me up inside.
Is there something wrong with me?
Or am I just lazy?
Impatient with all the lessons
preceding my blessings.
Confused about the Universe’s message.
My cyclical questioning causing anxiety as a consequence,
never sharing my full truth because it’s easier to pretend.
Because every time I close my eyes,
I visualize my anxiety’s lies,
causing fear and depression to eat me up inside.
And as comfortable as the darkness feels,
living in its depths won’t help me heal,
and the half-truths I allow to loop in my mind aren’t real.
I’m getting tired of faking it til I make it.
Wish I could put my depression in a spaceship
and watch it disappear into that dark abyss.
Sometimes my days end
way before they start,
because surviving the hours behind a mask becomes to hard.
And the truth is,
my anxiety is ruthless.
And being curled up on the floor crying
makes me feel stupid,
even though I know I’m doing what I can to get through it.
Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
And the possibility
of being anxiety-free is why I continue to try…
Director: Justin Michael Jeffers & Devonnie A. Black
Devonnie A. Black is a 28 year old Jamaica-born, New York-raised storyteller. She loves telling stories and sharing experiences, and wrote the poem featured in the film as well as acted in it. Devonnie pursued a Theatre and Performance degree and graduated in 2012 from SUNY Purchase College. Currently living in Seattle, she is inspired by real life situations and transforming everyday experiences into a narrative that can be performed theatrically.
Justin Michael Jeffers is a 27 year old, multi-medium visual artist, also residing in Seattle. Currently paving his own lane as a freelance Director/Editor, Justin strives to tell stories that fully reflect his culture & community. After receiving a degree in Digital Arts from The University of Oregon in 2016, Justin now uses his years of experience with film and photography to create his own unique style in an industry that is constantly evolving.
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